It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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