Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
