WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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