i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
