woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
