I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
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