Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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