Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
where are my eyebrows?
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