I got chris browned last night
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
