at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
