im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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