My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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