my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
