After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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