I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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