I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
