I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
