I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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