i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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