his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
