I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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