i love accidental penises.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
