I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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