Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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