Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
