i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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