By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
