My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
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