I molested 6 butterflies tonight
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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