oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize