i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
