Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
