she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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