I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Randomize
