I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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