I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
