The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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