yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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