I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
