I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
