I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize