I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
there is glitter all over my balls
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