i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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