My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
