It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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