hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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