take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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