you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
