I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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