I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
