I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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