Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
