the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
