my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
