have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
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