when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
