at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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